When I got to know that I am almost getting the lottery, I was not sad at all, was pretty calm. Perhaps, it is because my body was still pretty healthy and normal.
Anyhow, first thing across my mind was... I do not want to go for surgery or chemotheraphy.
Surgery means a hand-made hurt and wound to my body. The anaesthetic would put me in a temporary coma and then when I wake up that time, I would feel pretty blur and mostly giddy. Further, the hand-made wound would be there and I hate the feeling of cut. To me, it is even hurt than when I deliver my baby boy. Thinking of the possible situation, it pull me back from any kind of surgery. I would rather let it be natural.
Chemotheraphy means I would feed myself with all the poisonous drugs. Imagine that I am still pretty healthy before and at the time I was diagnosed with cancer, many of my body cells are still healthy except the cancerous part, and then I feed myself with the poisons in order to kill the cancer. Cancer cells are scary due to its capability of mutating and growing, which mean the cancer cells are many times more stronger than our normal body cells. I think that would mean that their adaptability to new environment is stronger than our normal body cells. If that is the case, logical thinking tells me, by feeding myself those poisons, before I can really kill all the cancer cells, all my normal body cells would be first hurt and killed before the cancer cells. Then, why should I go for this chemotheraphy? It does not help at all but would make the situation even worst.
I keep telling my family, closed friends and colleagues that I am not sad while some of them cried or almost cry. Yes, I am not sad but somehow I know deep inside somewhere in my heard that I am scared. There were few nights that I suddenly woke up from my sleep that I thought I have died and then when I saw my husband and baby boy are just beside me, I knew that I am still alive. It does not really go to the surface where I really feel it, that's why I think I just feel nothing and normal. Perhaps, a slow responsive person like me would feel it someday later after I have totally accept the fact that I am actually having the liver cancer here.
I felt relieve when my husband and I decided not to go for the conventional cancer cure (surgery, chemotherapy and radiation theraph) and instead go for herbs medication, healthy diet and healthy lifestyle. Knowing of the cancer, I was not feeling scary at all, but thinking of the conventional cancer cure that made me feel very scared and doom. I thank our wise human ancestors for their great finding about the herbs and those that combined/recorded this finding which beneficial to many of us.
Life is always about birth, living process and death.
We all have to die one day. In chinese, we said "To die like Taishan or to die like HongMao". Taishan was a great hero that died in great honor while HongMao was a small potato that died with nothing special. I am treated well for given a chance to experience what it called a cancer. Not everyone has this kind of chance. I believed my living process would become more interesting with its presence. I would gain more life experience before my death. With my strong will to live, i believe both the cancer and my will would make me a person who die like Taishan instead of HongMao someday later. Isn't that a great one to celebrate?
